What’s The REAL Question: Short-sightedness In Counseling Online

What’s The REAL Question: Short-sightedness In Counseling Online


Let’s call her Sarah.

She’s a 10 year old girl I met on Wondir about a year ago. It’s taken me about 7 months to build a relationship with her and her family. She is the only child of a single working mother who just completed a divorce from an extremely abusive husband.

Both Sarah and her mother were abused in this situation. Her mother physically and emotionally. Sarah was abused physically, emotionally and sexually.

When I first met Sarah online it was in response to a question she had posted somewhat along the lines of “Do you always go to hell if you commit suicide?”

Well, right off the bat, that sent the religious zealots of Wondir into a great theological debate that did little good in getting to the root of Sarah’s problem. You see, while Sarah’s question involved religious aspects, it wasn’t for theological debates that she was looking for, it was for help in stopping her thoughts of suicide.

With all of the horrible things that had happened to Sarah in her life, she had lost the will to live. Yes, even a 10 year old can get that so depressed and so desperate that they can’t see any way out from the living hell their lives have become.

Meanwhile back on Wondir, those of us who aren’t concerned with the religious aspects of heaven and hell when it comes to a child’s plea for help, attempted to aid her the best we could amid all the quotations of scriptures, mostly taken out of context anyway.

After a long discourse with Sarah and the other people who were focusing on helping Sarah not converting her, I left her with a message that if she wanted to talk more she could always email me and I gave her my email address, which most regulars at Wondir probably have memorized by now since I give it out so freely.

I didn’t hear from Sarah for about two weeks. Then one day I received an email asking if I remembered answering a question on Wondir and she gave me the details. I’ll be the first to admit that with all the questions posted per day on Wondir it gets a bit hard to remember even the heated debates (of which there should be NONE when the true question isn‘t about religion, but about life) but as Sarah’s remembrance of the responses unfolded I began to remember the post and it’s ensuing debate and the little true advice many had offered. (Thank God for the few level headed regulars and mods who saw past the terminology and phrasing of the post and saw what the true meaning behind it was).

Sarah thanked me for talking to her about her problem and not condemning her for her thoughts, she really only wanted to know if anyone really cared enough to reach out. She thanked me for all the help the I and all the other level headed posters gave her without telling her that she would go to hell, or only God can decide that.

Those posts while valid in the religious realm, were not what she was asking. And this gets to the main point of this post…(God, it took me THIS long just to get to the main point? You know this is gonna be a long one…..)

How often do we, as advice givers online, overlook the real problems, the real questions being asked, the real issue being raised…

Do we look at questions and responses and just assume? Remember what the great comedian Benny Hill said…“Never assume, cause when you do you make an ASS out of U and ME” (hence the ASS-U-ME).

Or do we, as we should, solicit more information, reevaluate the information as new information becomes available and offer new, fresh and innovative ways of handling the problem? Which is more valuable? Which is more helpful? Which would you want an online counselor giving your 10 year old daughter?

Sometimes you have to look beyond the words you see on a web page, listen a little closer to the words in a phone call, play many ideas and possibilities through your mind before you want to add anything more. Sometimes the best and most helpful response is to either remain silent or to ask a question of your own. “Well, what else can you tell me?” “Wow, how did that make you feel?” “Do you have any ideas on how you think you might want to handle this?”

A few simple and direct questions can open up a whole new line of questioning which in turn will lead to new information and possibilities. Or, it could open up a whole new Pandora’s Box.

But, after all, that’s what we do in counseling isn’t it? Pry the box open just a little bit at a time?

For now, as I’m fond of saying: Be Safe, Be Happy, But MOST OF ALL…BE YOURSELF!!!


Cross-posted to Bond Hunter's Counseling and Resource Blog