The Prince Of Tides

The Prince Of Tides: Our Own Hidden Secrets

As people who want to help others, as online advice givers, oh to hell with to so called professionals, as Online Counselors…a quiet question lingers…

“What secrets do YOU hold Lowenstein???”

If you have ever seen the movie “The Prince Of Tides” you know what I’m talking about. If not…watch it a few more times…

If you have NEVER seen this most blessed of all psychological BS flicks than GO RENT IT TONIGHT!

It deals with the holding on to the past, even when it is bad, ever horrible, because it is the only past we have.

We cover up, lie, deny, cuss, cheat, steal, runaway, and commit the most hideous acts of violence all in the name of protecting those most precious thoughts.

Nick Nolte and Miss Barbara gave their best performances in this lesser known but well respected movie. It gives everyone a better sense of who we really are on the planet, no matter our station in life, yeah face it, we all have our station…

It also shows the horror of child abuse and rape, while holding on to family values, though in the movie they aren’t the correct values.

To put it bluntly, we all have secrets…how far are you willing to uncover yours to be a better counselor?

Give out a free email address? Call someone, risking Caller ID? Talk to their significant other? Talk to their PARENT??????

Maybe none of the above…

Does that make your advice any less valuable? NO…

You have right to privacy, but the person you are counseling has rights too…

That’ll be covered in another post…but for now let’s deal with your rights.

You have the right to protect your personal information…banks, jobs, family all the usual BS.

You have the right to voice your opinion…but, you may at some later date be called to the rug over it…(been there, done that….it ain’t pretty, but if you are right it is worth it.)

You have the right to ask for more information, though not personal, just in reply to what you have been asked.

You have the right to refer to a PROFESSIONAL for further advice. This is a right we ALL need to use over and over again.

Unless you are a certified professional with degrees, you, at times, need to refer to one. Not getting in the Ad-Sense “Call Joe Smith CSW….he’ll cure all your ills” Google ads BS…

But to give the advice that “You should really talk to your doctor” or “You need more help than I can give you…I have a hotline number that can help…it’s…..”

Sometimes the best that we can do is refer to someone else, I’ve referred to other regulars on Wondir as well as to professionals.

Hey, I’m not a woman, I can’t tell you much about the feelings of pregnancy…but I can tell you to talk to So-And-So.

Now, there are areas we know, there are areas we can research, and there are areas in which we are of no help at all. You know it, I know it.

But I’ve seen it so many times when someone has to stick their nose into something they know NOTHING about and just throw in a little BS to boil the waters. It happens on Wondir all the time. (Thank God for good moderators!)

A lot of the time we let our own experiences dictate how we respond. We let our own opinions lead us in how we advise others, especially kids and teens. And to the kids and teens this is not fair at all.

While we can use those experiences to guide our advice, we can’t dictate to them what they can and cannot do.

Offer options, advice, guidance. No scriptures, condemnation, don’t laugh at them, criticize them, don’t condemn them.

Let them make the choices. Do you as a zealot think God is going to reward you for pressuring someone into believing something they really don’t? Not saying you are wrong, but if it is not their choice, it must be yours alone. In the end, no one wins. And maybe a child walks away from God, or worse…dies.

We bury what needs to be, only to have it come back later to be finally dealt with. That’s not what we do in online counseling. We try to get a person stable, happy and healthy…moving on with their life. Then if we are so inclined we can express religious convictions at a latter date. For now just keep them alive, happy and willing to see the next sunrise.

Anything less then that is wasting the time of all of those of us that truly care and want to help and it is wasting the time and life of those that need our help.

It all boils down to “If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem”

Sorry if that’s a little too rough for the trolls and smart-asses, but that is how it is and how it has to be.


For now, as I’m fond of saying: Be Safe, Be Happy, But MOST OF ALL…BE YOURSELF!!!





Cross-posted on Bond Hunter's Guide To Online Counseling & Resources

What’s The REAL Question: Short-sightedness In Counseling Online

What’s The REAL Question: Short-sightedness In Counseling Online


Let’s call her Sarah.

She’s a 10 year old girl I met on Wondir about a year ago. It’s taken me about 7 months to build a relationship with her and her family. She is the only child of a single working mother who just completed a divorce from an extremely abusive husband.

Both Sarah and her mother were abused in this situation. Her mother physically and emotionally. Sarah was abused physically, emotionally and sexually.

When I first met Sarah online it was in response to a question she had posted somewhat along the lines of “Do you always go to hell if you commit suicide?”

Well, right off the bat, that sent the religious zealots of Wondir into a great theological debate that did little good in getting to the root of Sarah’s problem. You see, while Sarah’s question involved religious aspects, it wasn’t for theological debates that she was looking for, it was for help in stopping her thoughts of suicide.

With all of the horrible things that had happened to Sarah in her life, she had lost the will to live. Yes, even a 10 year old can get that so depressed and so desperate that they can’t see any way out from the living hell their lives have become.

Meanwhile back on Wondir, those of us who aren’t concerned with the religious aspects of heaven and hell when it comes to a child’s plea for help, attempted to aid her the best we could amid all the quotations of scriptures, mostly taken out of context anyway.

After a long discourse with Sarah and the other people who were focusing on helping Sarah not converting her, I left her with a message that if she wanted to talk more she could always email me and I gave her my email address, which most regulars at Wondir probably have memorized by now since I give it out so freely.

I didn’t hear from Sarah for about two weeks. Then one day I received an email asking if I remembered answering a question on Wondir and she gave me the details. I’ll be the first to admit that with all the questions posted per day on Wondir it gets a bit hard to remember even the heated debates (of which there should be NONE when the true question isn‘t about religion, but about life) but as Sarah’s remembrance of the responses unfolded I began to remember the post and it’s ensuing debate and the little true advice many had offered. (Thank God for the few level headed regulars and mods who saw past the terminology and phrasing of the post and saw what the true meaning behind it was).

Sarah thanked me for talking to her about her problem and not condemning her for her thoughts, she really only wanted to know if anyone really cared enough to reach out. She thanked me for all the help the I and all the other level headed posters gave her without telling her that she would go to hell, or only God can decide that.

Those posts while valid in the religious realm, were not what she was asking. And this gets to the main point of this post…(God, it took me THIS long just to get to the main point? You know this is gonna be a long one…..)

How often do we, as advice givers online, overlook the real problems, the real questions being asked, the real issue being raised…

Do we look at questions and responses and just assume? Remember what the great comedian Benny Hill said…“Never assume, cause when you do you make an ASS out of U and ME” (hence the ASS-U-ME).

Or do we, as we should, solicit more information, reevaluate the information as new information becomes available and offer new, fresh and innovative ways of handling the problem? Which is more valuable? Which is more helpful? Which would you want an online counselor giving your 10 year old daughter?

Sometimes you have to look beyond the words you see on a web page, listen a little closer to the words in a phone call, play many ideas and possibilities through your mind before you want to add anything more. Sometimes the best and most helpful response is to either remain silent or to ask a question of your own. “Well, what else can you tell me?” “Wow, how did that make you feel?” “Do you have any ideas on how you think you might want to handle this?”

A few simple and direct questions can open up a whole new line of questioning which in turn will lead to new information and possibilities. Or, it could open up a whole new Pandora’s Box.

But, after all, that’s what we do in counseling isn’t it? Pry the box open just a little bit at a time?

For now, as I’m fond of saying: Be Safe, Be Happy, But MOST OF ALL…BE YOURSELF!!!


Cross-posted to Bond Hunter's Counseling and Resource Blog

Take The BOND HUNTER Challenge!!!

Due to my constant posting of my email address I get a TON of spam in my gmail account daily.

Well for the next 30 days I'm not going to empty any of my spam mail.

Post your guess of how many spam emails I get in the next 30 days.

I offically began at midnight today and currently have 167.

Heck maybe I can sue them all inthe end...

Let's see who gets the closest to the real tally!!!