Christmas, The Holidays and Children

Christmas, The Holidays and Children

Sorry but this was SUPPOSE to have been posted before Christmas, but he had a little change in our plans for the holiday season. While the post is late, we had a fantastic time this past week. So here's what was suppose to be up about a week ago:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

With the approaching holiday season and the merriness of the children, it’s time to reflect on life and the things that are really important.

No doubt your child/children have had their Christmas lists made out for the past year or so…and no doubt with each commercial on T.V. you hear the chants of “OHHHH…I want that!”

But at this time of the year I think its more important to think about and teach your children about the things you already have.

Yes, there still need to be lots of pretty toys under the tree, my daughters all got brand new notebook computers and a bunch of clothes this year, they’ll get more from Mom and the Grandparents I’m sure…but they know those gifts are just gifts…they’re not the real meaning of the season or what the whole idea of life is all about.

To me, and I’m sure I’m not alone, the most important things are the love you share as a family, the closeness you feel with the extended family that you have and the joy in just being alive and being able to live another day with a chance to help someone, care for someone and even at times love someone.

This past year has brought many changes to the lives of myself and my children.

In September of 2004 I joined a website called Wondir and started answering questions from whoever popped on the site. In little over a year I had answered over 25,000 questions. I had met countless people who in their own personal time had given help to those in need, those seeking answers and those just seeking a friend.

Over the year that I was on Wondir I counseled many people, giving only my opinion of what I saw as a possible answer to their problems.

The past year has been a wonderful (WonDirFul?) year for me and for my family. We’ve had a blessing from God that we never would have expected, never knew was even possible. The countless emails, the calls (yeah I do rarely give out a private phone number when I feel it is really needed and won’t be abused), the cards and letters sent to me, my family and other people who I have counseled.

I have my share of happy endings, the ones that turn out much better than you ever expect. And I have my share of unhappy endings, or more like unhappy hiatus…I always like to think the missed chances will come back one more time and try to get things right.

I’ve had my share of failures too. The things you knew just had to work cause the case was so clear and everyone had to see it. But online, you have to realize that you never know what is really going on with the other person, what is really happening and being said on the other side.

As I’m typing the draft for this post, I have Sarah watching T.V. in the living room with her Mom and my kids. I hear laughter and see smiles. I see four children, five if I count Mom, coming out of their shells more and more each day.

I see the future, I see the past, I see what caring for someone is all about.

No, I can’t change the entire world, no one can. But together, if we really try, we really can!

It’s not a war on terrorism, it’s not a war on drugs, it’s not a crackdown on illegal immigration, it’s all about the caring and the love we show each other. It’s about reaching out when no one else will, it’s about taking risks when you truly believe the reward out-weighs the risk. It’s about places like Wondir where you can reach out and help another person, maybe even save their lives.

I’m proud of the time I had put in on Wondir, I’ve been able to be a part of a wonderful community of warm, loving and caring people who give from their hearts, care from their very beings and believe in the one true gospel of this day and age…help others.

I could recount for you story after story, email after email, the successful help I alone have given, then take a long hard look at the countless people on Wondir and magnify that times ten.

What do you have?

A caring, loving and nurturing community that not only has a proven track record, but continues to grow daily, expands to handle new issues, listens to its users and really cares about the person behind the question.

I’d also love to thank all of the people who have stopped by here in connection to me time on blog exchanges…especially Jack, John, Michelle, Raja, and Peebug: who has a blog that always makes me smile…

I’d also love to thank the sites I link to for doing all you do to help others. I’d like to thank the sites that link back to me, you make it all worth wild bringing others in need closer to where they need to be.

I’d like to thank my own kids, for giving up a little of their Daddy so someone else is happy.

I’d like to thank “Mom”, for trusting, believing and having the courage to step-out and do what was needed.

But most of all, I need to thank one little girl who made me really believe, through the good and the bad, that it was all worth it. That no matter what people said about how much time I spend on a website, that no matter how many people told me a person was beyond help or beyond reach, it mattered.

A little girl, who through her courage and perseverance has overcome so many odds and beat the system that is bent on just covering things up and making them go away. A little girl who never gave up hope, never stopped believing, never stopped loving or caring. A little girl who should have the Nobel Prize for Faith…

Sarah

You’ve changed my life, the lives of my children, your mothers life and most importantly, you changed the life you had into one that you wanted.

Look under the Christmas Tree this year, you’ll see the difference you’ve made in our lives.

We love you, we thank you for being a part of our lives and we look forward to many happy years being close.

To the rest of you who had to read through that sappy love song, remember what BH always tells you…

BE SAFE…

BE HAPPY…

BUT MOST OF ALL….

BE YOURSELF!!!!!

Until next time….love ya all…pray for Sarah, pray for our country…and help each other!

Bond Hunter ~ Over and Out!

The Prince Of Tides

The Prince Of Tides: Our Own Hidden Secrets

As people who want to help others, as online advice givers, oh to hell with to so called professionals, as Online Counselors…a quiet question lingers…

“What secrets do YOU hold Lowenstein???”

If you have ever seen the movie “The Prince Of Tides” you know what I’m talking about. If not…watch it a few more times…

If you have NEVER seen this most blessed of all psychological BS flicks than GO RENT IT TONIGHT!

It deals with the holding on to the past, even when it is bad, ever horrible, because it is the only past we have.

We cover up, lie, deny, cuss, cheat, steal, runaway, and commit the most hideous acts of violence all in the name of protecting those most precious thoughts.

Nick Nolte and Miss Barbara gave their best performances in this lesser known but well respected movie. It gives everyone a better sense of who we really are on the planet, no matter our station in life, yeah face it, we all have our station…

It also shows the horror of child abuse and rape, while holding on to family values, though in the movie they aren’t the correct values.

To put it bluntly, we all have secrets…how far are you willing to uncover yours to be a better counselor?

Give out a free email address? Call someone, risking Caller ID? Talk to their significant other? Talk to their PARENT??????

Maybe none of the above…

Does that make your advice any less valuable? NO…

You have right to privacy, but the person you are counseling has rights too…

That’ll be covered in another post…but for now let’s deal with your rights.

You have the right to protect your personal information…banks, jobs, family all the usual BS.

You have the right to voice your opinion…but, you may at some later date be called to the rug over it…(been there, done that….it ain’t pretty, but if you are right it is worth it.)

You have the right to ask for more information, though not personal, just in reply to what you have been asked.

You have the right to refer to a PROFESSIONAL for further advice. This is a right we ALL need to use over and over again.

Unless you are a certified professional with degrees, you, at times, need to refer to one. Not getting in the Ad-Sense “Call Joe Smith CSW….he’ll cure all your ills” Google ads BS…

But to give the advice that “You should really talk to your doctor” or “You need more help than I can give you…I have a hotline number that can help…it’s…..”

Sometimes the best that we can do is refer to someone else, I’ve referred to other regulars on Wondir as well as to professionals.

Hey, I’m not a woman, I can’t tell you much about the feelings of pregnancy…but I can tell you to talk to So-And-So.

Now, there are areas we know, there are areas we can research, and there are areas in which we are of no help at all. You know it, I know it.

But I’ve seen it so many times when someone has to stick their nose into something they know NOTHING about and just throw in a little BS to boil the waters. It happens on Wondir all the time. (Thank God for good moderators!)

A lot of the time we let our own experiences dictate how we respond. We let our own opinions lead us in how we advise others, especially kids and teens. And to the kids and teens this is not fair at all.

While we can use those experiences to guide our advice, we can’t dictate to them what they can and cannot do.

Offer options, advice, guidance. No scriptures, condemnation, don’t laugh at them, criticize them, don’t condemn them.

Let them make the choices. Do you as a zealot think God is going to reward you for pressuring someone into believing something they really don’t? Not saying you are wrong, but if it is not their choice, it must be yours alone. In the end, no one wins. And maybe a child walks away from God, or worse…dies.

We bury what needs to be, only to have it come back later to be finally dealt with. That’s not what we do in online counseling. We try to get a person stable, happy and healthy…moving on with their life. Then if we are so inclined we can express religious convictions at a latter date. For now just keep them alive, happy and willing to see the next sunrise.

Anything less then that is wasting the time of all of those of us that truly care and want to help and it is wasting the time and life of those that need our help.

It all boils down to “If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem”

Sorry if that’s a little too rough for the trolls and smart-asses, but that is how it is and how it has to be.


For now, as I’m fond of saying: Be Safe, Be Happy, But MOST OF ALL…BE YOURSELF!!!





Cross-posted on Bond Hunter's Guide To Online Counseling & Resources

What’s The REAL Question: Short-sightedness In Counseling Online

What’s The REAL Question: Short-sightedness In Counseling Online


Let’s call her Sarah.

She’s a 10 year old girl I met on Wondir about a year ago. It’s taken me about 7 months to build a relationship with her and her family. She is the only child of a single working mother who just completed a divorce from an extremely abusive husband.

Both Sarah and her mother were abused in this situation. Her mother physically and emotionally. Sarah was abused physically, emotionally and sexually.

When I first met Sarah online it was in response to a question she had posted somewhat along the lines of “Do you always go to hell if you commit suicide?”

Well, right off the bat, that sent the religious zealots of Wondir into a great theological debate that did little good in getting to the root of Sarah’s problem. You see, while Sarah’s question involved religious aspects, it wasn’t for theological debates that she was looking for, it was for help in stopping her thoughts of suicide.

With all of the horrible things that had happened to Sarah in her life, she had lost the will to live. Yes, even a 10 year old can get that so depressed and so desperate that they can’t see any way out from the living hell their lives have become.

Meanwhile back on Wondir, those of us who aren’t concerned with the religious aspects of heaven and hell when it comes to a child’s plea for help, attempted to aid her the best we could amid all the quotations of scriptures, mostly taken out of context anyway.

After a long discourse with Sarah and the other people who were focusing on helping Sarah not converting her, I left her with a message that if she wanted to talk more she could always email me and I gave her my email address, which most regulars at Wondir probably have memorized by now since I give it out so freely.

I didn’t hear from Sarah for about two weeks. Then one day I received an email asking if I remembered answering a question on Wondir and she gave me the details. I’ll be the first to admit that with all the questions posted per day on Wondir it gets a bit hard to remember even the heated debates (of which there should be NONE when the true question isn‘t about religion, but about life) but as Sarah’s remembrance of the responses unfolded I began to remember the post and it’s ensuing debate and the little true advice many had offered. (Thank God for the few level headed regulars and mods who saw past the terminology and phrasing of the post and saw what the true meaning behind it was).

Sarah thanked me for talking to her about her problem and not condemning her for her thoughts, she really only wanted to know if anyone really cared enough to reach out. She thanked me for all the help the I and all the other level headed posters gave her without telling her that she would go to hell, or only God can decide that.

Those posts while valid in the religious realm, were not what she was asking. And this gets to the main point of this post…(God, it took me THIS long just to get to the main point? You know this is gonna be a long one…..)

How often do we, as advice givers online, overlook the real problems, the real questions being asked, the real issue being raised…

Do we look at questions and responses and just assume? Remember what the great comedian Benny Hill said…“Never assume, cause when you do you make an ASS out of U and ME” (hence the ASS-U-ME).

Or do we, as we should, solicit more information, reevaluate the information as new information becomes available and offer new, fresh and innovative ways of handling the problem? Which is more valuable? Which is more helpful? Which would you want an online counselor giving your 10 year old daughter?

Sometimes you have to look beyond the words you see on a web page, listen a little closer to the words in a phone call, play many ideas and possibilities through your mind before you want to add anything more. Sometimes the best and most helpful response is to either remain silent or to ask a question of your own. “Well, what else can you tell me?” “Wow, how did that make you feel?” “Do you have any ideas on how you think you might want to handle this?”

A few simple and direct questions can open up a whole new line of questioning which in turn will lead to new information and possibilities. Or, it could open up a whole new Pandora’s Box.

But, after all, that’s what we do in counseling isn’t it? Pry the box open just a little bit at a time?

For now, as I’m fond of saying: Be Safe, Be Happy, But MOST OF ALL…BE YOURSELF!!!


Cross-posted to Bond Hunter's Counseling and Resource Blog

Take The BOND HUNTER Challenge!!!

Due to my constant posting of my email address I get a TON of spam in my gmail account daily.

Well for the next 30 days I'm not going to empty any of my spam mail.

Post your guess of how many spam emails I get in the next 30 days.

I offically began at midnight today and currently have 167.

Heck maybe I can sue them all inthe end...

Let's see who gets the closest to the real tally!!!

Guess Size DOES Matter

Google now says it is 3 times larger than any other seach engine

Umm....that's for pages indexed

Here You Go!

A mad and RAVING rant on Parenting, American Society and OUR Responsibility to kids!

I recently posted on a board on Yahoo that is connected to Wondir the following RANT, yes, a RANT...not that I'm not already known for these but here's the whole story...be patient


The Moderator posted this sad but true story and a question...deep in deed:

A mother was walking home along the road in Middlesborough, Teeside UK
with her 10 month old baby girl in a pushchair when she was approached
by a youth who appeared to be drunk or under the influence of drugs.

He punched the baby twice in the face before fleeing.

The baby was taken to hospital but thankfully was not suffering from
any major injuries.

If/when this moron is caught what punishment would you prescribe?


Now...you all know me and my love for children and kids and teens. Do you think I even had a chance to think this one through or did I just unload?

Well if you guessed BOTH you're right...I fought posting for the longest time and finally had to blow...

So here it is in all it's mess and bloody glory, Heed my words!


That's so disturbing...

Depending on his age...youth usually means over 13 or 14....

LOCK THE SOB UP

Detox him, make him face the family and pay for what he did...jail
time INCLUDED!!!

Come on people stop using drugs or intoxication as an excuse for
horrible crimes. THIS is what is wrong with this country and even
the world.

We excuse things like this because "they may have a problem".

It's the BLAME GAME...spin the wheel and see which family member or
section of society you get to BLAME for all the nasty things you did
wrong and why your life is so messed up!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!

And, sadly we have a loser...

Society...think back to when we were all kids, I'm talking to those
of us in our mid 30's to early or even late 40's...

Would this SHIP have happened then? (grins at the careful cloaking)

If this had happened to my child I would have tracked the little
punk down and kiled him, just like my daddy would have done. THIS is
what is WRONG with AMERICA...PARENTS NOT BEING PARENTS...not doing
what is RIGHT for their kids!

I deal with this on Wondir day after day, it's why my posts have
dropped from #1 in 90 days to like #8...I'm not there as much, I'm
in IM's and Emails dealing with issues of families falling apart and
parents not doing their jobs...drunks daddies and dating mommies
don't make up for a STABLE FAMILY HOME LIFE!

I'm not saying you HAVE to stay married when you know its over, or
to do what our grand-parents did and STAY TOGETHER FOR THE
KIDS...but be a father or mother, even if you aren't with the child
at the time.

It's time for American families to GTF up...a little faster than our
kids are...cause if not...remember...when you're old and in
diapers...THEY DECIDE WHERE YOU GO!

*Reposted to my blog just to tick off a few more Wondirites


We waste so much of our youth trying to grow up, yet we miss so much in doing so. And as parents we rush our children through life as if it was our decision. Who gave us that right? Who said "Make your kid take care of YOU ASAP!!!"?

Who is the father that sits by and gets drunk night after night while his kids chat online to strangers asking for ways to get Daddy to stop drinking?

Who is the mother who is out running the town while her preteens sit on the internet and ask "Why doesn't our mom love us anymore"?

Who is the teen the sits home at night contemplating suicide while her parents are out drugging up?

And who are WE who sit online trying to help these kids in need?

Well I already know who I am, I think you do to...now...how to get this BACK TO THE PARENTS!!!

I'd love to come to a board that only whats recipes!!! Instead of info about cutting, suicide and running away...

What a sad, cruel world we live in today...and to think...WE WERE THE ONES THAT WANTED TO GROW UP SO FAST...

The only solace I have is that it happened inthe UK...or is it just never reported HERE?

Rant over...continue your surfing...

Google WiFi?

Google is at it once again...this time in the Wireless Internet Arena!

Check this out Google Secure Access

Bond Hunter Part 2?

Here's a linky to my next project.

Let me know what you think!!

Once agian I'm bondhunter@gmail.com